Do You Seem to Get Caught Up in the Same Old Reactions?
Have you ever blown up at your spouse only to realizeafter the smoke clearedthat you might have over-reacted just a tad? Maybe you learn that you havent been invited to your uncles friends sisters birthday party and you behave as if its the slight of the century.
Sometimes even the most minor snafu can send us storming out of the room, slamming down a phone, or just shutting down entirely. Its like we just cant help itthe reaction is as automatic as a mallet to the knee.
Science Reveals It May Not Be Your Fault
New research indicates that these habitual, knee-jerk responses go way back to our childhood. As youngsters, we learned to adapt to our families idiosyncrasies as a way of survival. Psychologists used to refer to these coping mechanisms as our baggagebut what science has now shown us is that these responses are actually hard-wired into our brains. And because our responses are so ingrained, they have become our filtering system for future incidents. In other words, if something happens today that the brain reads as being similar to something that happened in the past, it will respond as if it were the first time, even though you may be in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.
Bringing This to Life
For example, lets say a child comes from a home where the parents fight frequently. That child is going to associate yelling with bad feelings. In later years, if his spouse raises her voice, hes likely to shut down like when he was a kidmetaphorically running to his room, closing the door, and essentially blocking out the noise.
Does this mean if you come from a family of yellers youre doomed to hide under your bed every time someone raises a voice? Luckily, recent research indicates that the brain continues to grow throughout our livesand old patterns can be released as new ones are formed in your boomer years..
Help Is On the Way
The way to managing your anger and knee jerk reactions is to establish new connections by refocusing your attention to a different outcome or possibility. But, before you can foster these new connections in your brain, you have to be aware of the old brain triggers.
When I try and distinguish whether someones reaction is a past association, I look to see if their reaction to the situation is automatic and intense. Additionally, when I try and offer an alternative to why theyre behaving that way, the person is resistant and reluctant to consider any other view or interpretation of the situationother than their own.
In my practice, I work extensively with clients to help them rewire and rewrite their lives. Here is an easy exercise to get you started on rewiring your brain to control your anger and over-reactions that will bring about positive changes in your life-today!
1. Thinking of Alternatives:
a. When youre projecting your past experience onto a present one, try and imagine alternative ways to handle the situation. For example, lets say you have lunch plans with a friendwho cancels at the last minute. Immediately, you feel an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection. Which is how you always feel in similar situationsindicatingvoilaa past pattern! Be conscious of this and take a step back to recognize it.
b. Then, approach the situation from an entirely different perspective. Maybe you use humor to deflect the bad feelings, thinking to yourself, Gee, I guess its my deodorant. Or, you choose the direct approach and ask your friend if youve done something to upset her. Or, you take the practical route and figure your friend just overbooked, overextended, or over-promisedand give her a get-out-of-jail-free card. (Hint: If you have difficulty coming up with alternative ways to handle the situation, think about how someone else - your mother, a childhood friend, an admired acquaintance - might handle the same situation.)
2. Plugging in New Choices:
a. Now, replay the actual situation as vividly as possiblethe phone ringing, the sound of your friends voice, the awkward goodbyesand imagine yourself carrying out one of your new solutions. Maybe you decide that being understanding of your friends busy schedule is the best choice.
b. Replay the phone call and plug in your new behavior, the understanding you, rather than playing out your old behavior of feeling rejected and hurt.
Making it Last
Before long, you will begin to see a slight shift in how you feel. By doing this exercise again and again, you will refocus your attention on a new outcome. This will rewire your brain and make a new neural connectiona connection to positive change! |
